


Harry's Lament

by QuietDarkness



Series: Simplicity and Complexity (Harrisco) [17]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: M/M, harrisco
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2017-05-20
Packaged: 2018-11-03 01:49:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10957179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuietDarkness/pseuds/QuietDarkness
Summary: A meta comes to Cisco asking for help, but a cruel twist of fate leaves Harry reeling with guilt.'Opposites don't just attract. They catch fire and burn the entire city down.'(Part 17)(Warning: Angst. Lots of it. Ack.)





	Harry's Lament

Harry had been gone for nearly three weeks, back on his Earth to visit with Jesse and help her out for a bit. It left Cisco with far too much alone time, as far as he was concerned. So he'd been spending as much time as humanly possible at S.T.A.R. Labs until Caitlin practically kicked him out and threatened to steal his collection of Walking Dead figurines if he didn't go do something that wasn't work. He relented, but whined the whole way out the door. Cisco sat in his car for nearly fifteen minutes, just trying to think of something to do. There were no good movies showing. And besides Eureka, the apartment was far too quiet for his liking.

So he drove to CCJitters, ordered a double espresso, and sat down with his laptop in the corner, working on diagrams for a new polarized plating he wanted to try on the dampeners for the breach room. He could still work, ha! He just hoped Caitlin wouldn't find out. He was there for nearly an hour, milking his coffee and using the murmur of the coffee shop as white noise to help him concentrate, when he finally looked across the way to see deep brown eyes staring at him. He'd felt someone watching him, a sort of itch on his neck, a trail against his spine. But he'd ignored it. Figuring it was just the caffeine talking. But nope... there really was someone watching him.

And she was gorgeous. He could admit it. Golden brown hair that fell around her shoulders in waves, a delicate face with rosy cheeks and perfectly painted pale pink lips. And those eyes, drowning deep and dark. She was super model fit, with long legs in scandalously short shorts and a tight fitting t-shirt with the Pi symbol on it. He blinked, looking from either side of himself to make sure she was in fact staring at him. Because... well, women that beautiful didn't stare at guys like Cisco Ramon. Right? But nope. He was the only one anywhere near that corner. And he looked back at her with a raised brow. She smiled softly, blushing a little, tucking some hair behind one ear before looking back down at the book she was reading. A book she apparently hadn't gotten very far into. Cisco cleared his throat a little and looked down at his laptop again with a shake of his head.

But it was too late. She'd peaked his interest. Mostly because of the shirt. Maybe she was wearing it as some sort of fashion statement. She probably didn't even know what Pi meant. And though Cisco was a sucker for a pretty face, brains were a far more important feature. He glanced back over at her and she was staring at him, again. There was just something about her attention that made Cisco pause. And then freeze in place when she slid out of her chair, abandoning her drink and literally sauntering over to him, hips swaying like she knew damn well what her body could do under the right circumstances. But whatever effect she was hoping to elicit from him didn't happen. He was just confused. Because something about her seemed off. His instincts were screaming it, loud as an alarm in his brain, pounding in his ears. He didn't take his eyes off of her as she came over, and she sat across from him without bothering to ask if he wanted her to. He raised a brow, reaching forward and slowly closing the lid to his laptop.

"Um..." he said, narrowing his eyes on her as she folded her hands on the table, "Hi?" It was more of a question than an invitation. She smiled. Brightly. White teeth, perfect smile, the slightest curl of lips. But it wavered when he didn't react to it. 

"Hi." She replied, voice smooth as honey. "Now that you've finally noticed me, I should really introduce myself." She tilted her head ever so slightly, her deep brown hues seemingly getting darker. "I'm Zarah Ragid." She said, and then motioned toward him with one long, manicured finger. "And you are Cisco Ramon." Cisco's brows shot up at that, and his mouth opened slightly to respond, but she kept going, "And you're going to help me. Or I'm going to tell everyone that you're a meta. Just like me..."

* * *

"Look, lady, I don't know what you think you know, but this," he motioned between her and himself as he speed-walked to his car, laptop in its bag, "My help?" He stopped next to his passenger door, unlocking it and practically shoving the bag in, "Not happening." He slammed the door shut and went to move around toward the driver's side. But she put her hand out on the top of the car, gripping the roof and blocking his way. He heard an audible creak and crunch before she slipped her hand back and let it fall to her side with a smile. He glanced at the metal of the car roof and raised his brows slowly. The metal had rotted away, a perfect handprint of decay.

"Yes, it is." She said sweetly, crossing her arms over her ample breasts with that ever present spread of lips. She was such a show off, all about trying to get attention in all the wrong ways.

"What makes you think I could help you? Or that I would even want to? And what would you need help with?" He demanded, one question after another shooting out of his mouth. But he found himself backing up into the door of his car when she moved into him, getting so close that there was barely enough room to breathe. 

"Because, you're a scientist. And you work and live with the man who did this to us. You want to help me," she said, looking him up and down before finally settling her eyes on his face, "Because I don't think you want the world knowing what you can do with your hands and those goggles of yours. As for what I need help with?" She smiled even brighter, and finally Cisco put two and two together of why she gave him the heebiejeebies. She wasn't breathing. As in no air coming out of her lungs. As in no breath in his face despite the fact she was talking a mere few inches away. "You're going to fix me." She stepped back and he just stared at her.

"You're," he swallowed, watching her intently, "Not breathing." he finished. And she nodded.

"Very good. No, I'm not. I also have no heart beat." she tapped her chest, "Nothing ticking away in there. And yet I'm still walking around like everything's okay. Except for, well..." she pointed at the rotted handprint on the car, "For that. I didn't used to be able to control it. I touched anything... things, people... and they'd rot. Instantly. It took months before I figured out how to master it." That sounded just horrifying to Cisco. She'd killed people, but against her will. Shit. Still, he didn't like being cornered like this. Or threatened. Or the fact that she'd been spying on him for some time. How else would she know what he could do or that he and Harry lived together?

"If you can control it, what do you need me for? It's obvious you're pretty rocking the zombie queen thing." He grated out, pushing away from the car and shoveling his keys out of his pocket, slipping away from her toward the driver's side door. She followed him, but didn't try to stop him.

"I need you to fix me, because I can't..." her voice came at far more rough than she'd probably meant, but it made Cisco pause with his hand on the door, "I can't feel anything." She finally said, sorrow lacing her voice. He looked back over to her. "Not a touch. Not the wind. Not clothes. Water. Nothing. Heat and cold, it's all gone." She explained painfully. "You can't imagine what that's like, how hard it is just to function. And I don't sleep. I'm never tired. Never hungry. It's like... I'm not even real anymore."

Cisco slowly opened the door, but looked at her, brows softly furrowed. "Do you always ask for help by threatening people first?" He asked quietly, and she blinked, taken off guard for a moment. "Get in." He stated, then slipped into the driver's seat. She looked confused, glancing from him to the other side of the car. "I don't have all day. Get in. I'm going to take you to someone who can run some tests." For a moment, Zarah's eyes didn't look so dark. For a moment, they almost looked human. She nodded, then hurried to the driver's side, slipping in and settling his laptop bag on his lap. He started up the car, feeling strange having her in a confined space with him. "Don't make me regret this." He muttered to her, then pulled out of the parking lot, heading for S.T.A.R. Labs. 

Caitlin was going to love this.

* * *

For five long hours, Caitlin ran every single test she could think of. And the results were few. Her heart was still beating, but barely once every ten minutes. She wasn't breathing, at all. And all of her pain receptors were dead. Her blood was thick as sludge. And the only reason she was functioning, they figured out, was because whenever she made things rot she inadvertently took any energy from the object or person, restoring her own. She was a walking, talking, energy sucking vampire. And there was no way to fix her. There was no way to fix any of the metas. The change was on such a molecular level that there was no reversing it. Try telling Zarah that, though. 

"I don't believe you." She growled out, standing up off the gurney and yanking the sensors off her head. Caitlin stepped back and Cisco instinctively put himself in front of her. Barry moved further into the room. "You need to fix me. You have to!" she yelled, the skin on her face growing strangely tight for a moment. Almost skeletal. But she looked around, breathed and it simply went back to normal. "I can't live like this." She explained much more easily. 

"Snow?" Harry's voice was suddenly heard behind Zarah as he entered the medlab. He must have just gotten back from Earth-2. He was wearing his usual black garb, his glasses on, a curious expression on his face. Zarah turned around and a sound came out of her mouth that was anything but human when she saw him. 

"You!" She practically roared. "You did this to me!" And she lunged at him, hands outstretched to grab him. 

"No!" Cisco yelled, moving forward. Thankfully, Barry sped Harry to the side, knocking Zarah sideways in the process. "Barry, get her in the pipeline!" And Barry wasted no time, leaving Harry flattened against a wall. He grabbed Zarah and was gone in the blink of an eye. Harry just stood there, letting out a deep breath. He took off his glasses, glancing from Cisco to Caitlin.

"Someone want to tell me what's going on?" He asked flatly, pushing away from the wall. Cisco let out a sigh of relief, shaking his head before crossing the room and practically shoving Harry in the shoulder.

"Don't scare me like that." He stated. Harry blinked. And Cisco just hugged him. 

"I think it might go without saying, but... I'm more than a little confused right now." Harry replied, hugging him back. Caitlin came toward them.

"I'll explain everything." Caitlin said gently. Cisco pulled away shaking his head. 

"We will." He offered. And Harry narrowed his gaze on both of them.

"Get to it." He ordered in typical Harry fashion. 

This was the stuff Cisco hated the most. When the metas with a vendetta against the other Wells, Thawne, came crawling out of the woodworks and blamed Harry for what happened to them. Sure, Harry was responsible for the accelerator explosion on his own Earth, something he'd taken full responsibility for and worked damn hard to fix. But he wasn't responsible for what Thawne had done. Yet he was still paying for it, all the time. And even though he didn't say so, it took its toll sometimes. It ate at Harry. It filled him with a guilt he didn't deserve. And Cisco was about to add to that. Again. 

Shit.

* * *

Cisco went with Harry when he went down to talk to Zarah. She was sitting on the floor in one of the retrofitted cells in the pipeline, her ability to rot her way out useless in there. She met Harry's gaze with something like cold, cool rage. "You sure about this?" Cisco asked softly. Harry just nodded, and Cisco sighed as he turned on the speakers. 

"We can't help you." Harry said flatly. _'Way to ease into it, Harry.'_ Cisco thought, but remained quiet, standing somewhat off to the side. "What was done to you can't be reversed. For any of the metas." Harry slipped his hands into the pockets of his dark jeans, the jacket he was wearing fanning out a little. "The very core of your DNA has been changed. Other than killing you, there's no changing it. And we're not about to kill you."

"Why not?" She asked, her voice rough. She pushed herself to her feet, slapping a hand onto the glass between her and Harry. Cisco jumped a little, but Harry didn't even flinch. "I was going to kill you. When I saw you... I was so..." she shook her head, closing her eyes a moment. "Angry. I'm still angry." She let her hand slide off the glass, letting her eyes slowly open. "What you did to me and so many others..." she shook her head, "And here you are still standing, still living the good life, eh?" She smiled, but it wasn't pleasant. "Why don't you get to suffer like the rest of us? Who gave you the right to play God?" Harry was so very still. But then he reached up and pulled his glasses off, folding them, slipping them into his jacket pocket.

"No one gave me the right. I claimed it, simply because I had the means." He sighed lightly, his tone sounding slightly defeated in a way Cisco had only ever heard a few times. What Zahra and the other metas who had it out for Wells didn't know was that Harry was suffering, in his own way. Silently and without any mercy. "There aren't enough apologies in the world to make up for what... I've done." Cisco cringed softly, a hand instinctively reaching out to touch Harry's lower back. He was doing it again, taking all the blame. It wasn't his to take. "That being said, we can't fix what happened to you. I can't. But that doesn't mean you can't do something good with it." Zarah's brows raised slowly, then she laughed. And it wasn't happy.

"What? Become a super hero? Like the Flash? Come on, Doctor Wells. Look at me!" She threw her hands up. "I rot things." She sighed out. "Does that strike you as super hero material?" Harry didn't respond, not at first. He just stared at her. And Cisco knew the look that passed over his features. It was hate. But not for her. For himself. For Thawne. "I was engaged." She suddenly said, softly, starting to pace lightly in her cell. "Creg was..." she breathed in, letting it out slow, opening her hands and staring at them, "He was everything to me. He was studying to be a doctor, and I was working my way through vet school by cleaning at my Uncle's crematorium. That's where I was when this happened." She let her hands fall to her sides, catching Cisco's gaze for a moment, then turning her attention completely back to Harry. "Creg was the first to find me. He tried to help me. He was the first person I... I killed. Because of this. Because of you." The last word was said with such seething hatred that it made Harry's lips tighten. "If fate was kind, you'd be the last person I killed." They watched as she raised her hand, fingers splayed out. "But there you are, out there safe and sound. And here I am." She smiled, and it was both sad and defiant. "I won't live like this anymore." She stepped closer to the glass. "I hope you have nightmares about me, Doctor Wells. I hope I haunt you, every day of your life. After all, it's the worst I can do to you now."

Everything happened so fast after that. Her fingers started to turn a grayish color, and she touched her face. In an instant, she began rotting, right before them. Harry yelled for Cisco to open the cell, but by the time the doors separated, she was nothing more than ash and pieces of rotten bone. The smell was awful. But watching her die like that was even worse. They were both quiet for a long moment, just staring down at the remnants of her body. "Harry..." Cisco said softly, catching the expression on his face. It was hard. It was hurting. Cisco touched his shoulder gently, Harry glanced at him and shook his head.

"Don't." He ordered harshly, then slipped away from Cisco, leaving him standing there alone in the far too quiet area of the pipeline. He just watched Harry leave, knowing that right now, there was nothing he could say or do to help him. Guilt and regret was such a part of Harry's psyche that it would almost seem strange to have him without it. Cisco looked down at the still decaying pile and felt his eyes stinging as he stepped back away from her, moving over to the console. 

"Barry, Caitlin, you guys better get down to the pipeline." He spoke into the mic, doing his best to keep his voice from cracking. He wiped at his eyes angrily, creasing away the unshed tears. And then he looked toward the empty hall one more time. "I'm so sorry, Harry." He whispered, knowing he'd hear nothing in return.

* * *

_'Guilt isn't always a rational thing. Guilt is a weight that will crush you whether you deserve it or not.' - Maureen Johnson_

* * *

It was nearly one in the morning by the time Harry walked through the door. 

Cisco was sitting on the floor with his back to the wall beside the doorframe, legs crossed at the ankles. The apartment had been quiet, and there was only one light on in the kitchen area. Harry didn't even notice Cisco at first, till he turned to hang up his keys. He paused, arm halfway out, then simply hung them up and slipped off his jacket, hanging that up, too. "You didn't have to wait up." He said softly, his voice rough around the edges like he was exhausted. He nudged the door closed. Cisco stared up at him quietly for a moment, studying the lines at the corners of Harry's eyes. Harry was clenching his jaw randomly, then he let out a deep sigh, extending his hand to Cisco to help him off the floor. Once Cisco was on his feet, he didn't let go of Harry's hand. He reached forward with his other and cupped Harry's cheek for a moment, stroking his thumb over his skin. 

"I was worried." Cisco said, letting his hand fall to Harry's chest. Harry just shook his head once, then stepped out of Cisco's reach, grabbing the edges of his shirt as headed toward the bedroom. Cisco followed quietly. 

"You don't need to worry about me." He said over his shoulder before peeling his long sleeved shirt off and tossing it into the basket. He pulled open a dresser drawer, snagging a t-shirt off the top and slipping it on. "I'm fine." He finally added when he saw Cisco still watching him.

"Well, that's crap." Cisco replied plainly, crossing his arms over his chest. "You left without a word. Didn't answer my texts. And you didn't come home till..." he glanced at the digital clock on the nightstand, "One thirteen." He sighed, then motioned to Harry. "Fine isn't what that equals."

"I needed time to think. Alone." He replied easily, sitting down on the bed and pulling his boots off one at a time. Cisco moved to stand in front of him. Harry glanced up with almost a glare. "Ramon, I'm fine. Really." Cisco shook his head, and went down to his knees, using his hands to nudge Harry's legs apart so he could kneel between them. Harry seemed as though he was going to argue it, but then just relented. And Cisco slipped his hands onto Harry's sides.

"You forget, I know you, Harry. I know how that head of yours works. And I know you're blaming yourself for what happened today. Hell, you blame yourself for what happened years ago." Cisco explained. Harry's face was a quiet blank, the wheels turning effortlessly in his eyes.

"Why shouldn't I?" He asked then, and Cisco raised both brows.

"Because, man... that was Thawne. Not you. We've talked about this." Cisco replied, exasperated. Harry sighed out of his nostrils, his hands slowly moving to rest on Cisco's arms. 

"You always see the best in me. But what Thawne did here, and what I did on my own Earth... that's the worst of me. And it's not going anywhere, Ramon. It doesn't matter what I've done to repair things, on either Earth. It doesn't matter that I'm not Thawne. It will always come down to me. And what happened today... her death... that's on me, too." Before Cisco could respond to that, Harry pulled Cisco's hands off of his hips, gently but firmly moving him aside so Harry could stand. "Every time I think maybe..." he stepped away from Cisco, over to the window, staring out, "Maybe I've found some semblance of redemption, whether here with you or on my own Earth, the truth always crawls back out of the shadows to remind me. I'm never going to be free of this." For a moment, Cisco couldn't even move. He couldn't speak. Harry's pain was so palpable that Cisco could feel it in the air. He finally forced himself up, getting to his feet and coming up behind Harry, hugging his tall frame from behind, flattening his forehead into Harry's spine.

"You're wrong, Harry. You've been redeemed like a thousand times over at this point." Cisco sighed into him, closing his eyes and refusing to let go, hands clasped on Harry's stomach.

"How so?" Harry asked after a long moment of warm quiet.

"Man, everything you do is to make up for what Thawne did. Everything you did on your own Earth after Zoom was to clean up the mess you made. You think you're some sort of terrible person, but you're not. A bad guy wouldn't suffer like you do. And I sure as hell wouldn't have married you if you were evil incarnate." He let a soft touch of humor settle into his words, but lifted his head and moved to turn Harry, who complied very willingly. Once they were facing each other, Cisco saw a single tear rolling down Harry's cheek and he sighed, reaching up and brushing it gently away. "You're good, Harry." He whispered, stepping right up into him, holding Harry's face in his hands. "You are so good." His voice cracked lightly, and Harry closed his eyes, letting out a breath as a few more tears escaped. 

Then Harry was burying his face into Cisco's neck and hair, his arms wrapped so tight around Cisco that he had to get up on his toes so he could compensate. And Harry cried. Really cried, for the first time in a really long time. And Cisco let him. He held him through it. He cried quietly along with him. Then, when Harry's sobs subsided, Cisco cleaned his face, he whispered how much he loved him, he kissed his lips fleetingly, he held him some more. 

There was no one else Harry would ever break down like this with. In a way, it made Cisco feel special. But it also made him grateful, because he could help Harry through it. He could ease the ache, he could be the rock for a change. Harry was always there for him, easily taking on the brunt of whatever came at them. Being able to do the same for him was rare, and Cisco wasn't about to do it wrong.

Soon, they were both sitting side by side on the floor, legs outstretched, backs to the wall. Cisco had Harry's hand tangled in his own, resting in his lap. Harry's head was back against the wall, Cisco's head was on Harry's shoulder. And they were watching the holographic thunderstorm on the ceiling. "I don't deserve you. I hope you know that." Harry eventually said, and Cisco lifted his head, looking at Harry's profile. "That being said," he continued, turning his face to look at Cisco, "I'm glad I have you." Cisco smiled at that, he couldn't help it.

"Don't worry, Harry. I'm not going anywhere. Ever. You're stuck with me." He said warmly. "We'll get through it all. Together." Harry let his eyes linger on Cisco's face, then leaned in and kissed him warmly, ever so softly.

"Good. Because... I can't do it on my own. Not anymore." Harry admitted. And Cisco knew instantly that it couldn't have been easy for him to say. Harry didn't like appearing weak. And even though he was having a well deserved breakdown moment, saying those words out loud must have been awful. "I know I don't say it often, Ramon. But I love you." Cisco grinned at that, resting his head back on Harry's shoulder.

"You don't have to say it often. You show me, all the time. And that's everything." He closed his eyes, sighing lightly, a soft rumble of thunder filling the air around them. Then he felt Harry's head resting gently against his. Neither one of them said anything more for a long time. And when they finally went to sleep, Harry had nightmares. Just like Zarah had wanted. And Cisco held him through that, too. There were no words that would ever truly erase Harry's guilt or regret. There was no magic wand to flick away Harry's ghosts. Even time was a debatable cure. But fate wasn't entirely unkind. Cisco wouldn't let Harry battle it all alone, because he already knew damn well that Harry would be there for him. And as Harry finally fell back to sleep, Cisco held him close and whispered, "I've got you." 

And for a little while, the ghosts stayed away and let Harry be.

**Author's Note:**

> (To be continued...)


End file.
